“Why am I here, on earth?”
I never asked this question because I was blinded by my the distractions of this world.
20 years on this earth and I finally had the insight to ask myself;
“Why. Do. I. Exist?”
“You were created by God and guided by him” is what my parents and the religious told me.
I needed something logical.
I read articles by renowned scholars all over the world. They said I’m a product of a phenomenon whose possibility of occurring was infinitesimal.
I read more.
“The Theory of evolution”.
“The Theory of everything”.
Before long I was hit with complex Physics equations. And it finally hit me.
I could not find the answers by physics.
My life wasn’t an equation.
My life wasn’t bound by constants.
The variables in my life were innumerable and therefore couldn’t be factored to get an answer.
So what then?! Where will I find these answers?!
I was angry. I was scared. No one could understand me.
I was alone. I was confused. I had given up.
Day in, day out, I lived a monotonous lifestyle.
I had accepted defeat.
Then my Grandma called one day to check how I was doing.
I don’t know why but I just started pouring out my heart to her.
She was quiet for what seemed like hours and then she spoke.
She gave me what I wanted. What I had searched for, for months on end, in two minutes.
She told me she loved me and hung up.
And there I was sitting down on my bed, close to tears.
My conflict was over and the answer? Something so simple it made me feel stupid.
“Why do I exist?”
I am merely a lost soul on this earth. I have infinite opportunities, infinite life paths, infinite choices.
But in the end, all the paths I take, all the choices I make, lead to the same spot.
It is amazing how I grew so accustomed to being alive, that I forgot about death.
My two granddads, dead. My aunts and uncles, dead. My cousin never saw the Sun.
I lived all these years expecting to wake up every morning.
I felt it was my right.
I felt subconsciously immortal.
I could never die. Not me.
I could never fathom my own passing.
Now I finally realise.
I could die at any time and that’s what was truly bothering me for the past eight months.
That’s what has been weighing heavy on my heart.
That’s why I felt crushed.
My whole life’s work. My accolades. My possessions.
All of them, together my me, would be wiped from existence in just one second.
I would be forgotten like those before me.
The inevitable truth is that my whole life up to this point has been a lie.
“You grow up, get married, have kids and live happily ever after”, they said.
They never mentioned death.
I was lied to for my own protection. Now my protection is gone and I am wounded.
Wounded by this truth I had searched for so long.
Now I wish I hadn’t.
– Adeyemi Aramide