30 Apr Saturn Pisces
Be my reader. This is a feeling post. Which is amusing considering feelings are one of the most ‘un-Saturn’ things ever.
Raja and Tamas, Karma and Dharma, have been reading the esoteric for a while now, in search of the strings that pull the psyche – what makes me tick, why we do the things we do. Really I am in search of the key to the freedom from existential shackles. I thought if I align with something as wide as the universe I had found that. That was really some b*llshit. Not like what I found along that thought path was entirely useless, but you get the point. For me the far-out I go, the more restricted I feel, the more un-special. I feel like the whole thing is rigged. Like a pawn doing the good work. Like hell, I want to do the good work. But the shackles of Saturn. The cross I have to carry. I am so conscious of it, that it has stopped annoying me.
I like to grind these gears though. Like here we have the AllFather, the AllKnowing who is the Everything and here also you have me one of the Things in the Everything. Through me the Everything perceives everything. I am a tool. A special tool just like other special tools – a gazillion of us that is. What the f*ck is that? Some labour force? A cuckold?
Do you know the biggest blessing of dharma after fulfilling your karma is you can now finally take on the karma of your race – species or planet. A la Jesus, Oduduwa, Einstein Wow. What’s that? There is no hope here. No free here. Just bigger jobs. Bigger responsibilities.
If you wonder why I drink thoughts like this apart from the fact I have to think something, I really care about what happens when I die. The best thing is if I faded to Nothing. But I like to cover my bases. What ifs? What if I actually come back here? What if I have been coming back here. What if I even leave here and that beautiful place I go to, turns out to be 1984 or A Brave New World or The Matrix. There is no freedom at least I haven’t seen it yet. Whatever you do becomes a butterfly in the system. Sometimes I like to comfort myself of how evil people live long in opulence but I know better, but…lots of buts in this post. That’s life for you though. The eternal paradox. You really don’t know. You really don’t know anything. You are just moving slowly along with your days. Eternity is supposed to sound fun but the life experience is diarrhoea in your pants.
Damn. I actually pushed the word ‘limit’ till the end. Awesome. See that’s one obvious truth, the idea that our limit is our end. The other side of the coin is ‘limitless’. Low key that scares me. The idea that life has no end.
That life is just ‘turnioniown’. The idea that I’ll just sleep here for eternity, dreaming whatever it’s in the Everything that I am meant to see. That’s my Saturn. That’s my fear.